The foam mat was semi-squishy, kind of like my nerves.
After lacing up my high top shoes, donning my plastic ear guards and turning to my coach who was doing his best to pump me for the match, I noticed that his enthusiasm lacked authenticity. His smile kind of hung lopsided on his chin and his eyes had kind of a cringy look, as if he was already thinking a little further into the future.
You see, I was an undersized, underdeveloped, frightened twelve-year-old wrestler who wanted to be doing anything - anything at all, even homework, or the dishes - than facing off in a spandex singlet grappling with another twelve-year old, underdeveloped and frightened boy.
It was the last match of the year. I had participated in seven of these contests. Pretty much after the first one I wanted to quit, but quitting was not acceptable in the Matthias family. If you said you were going to do something, you did it. But the coach's reservations about my abilities were real: I had won one match. Generally, I was finished off by the end of the first period; if I was lucky, I'd make it through the second. These three periods, each a minute in length, seemed interminable. The minutes stretched into eons as we entered the circle and into the fray, faced each other, one foot forward, hands ready and raised. Frankly, I just wanted it to be over, but my competitive nature did not allow me to simply flop onto the ground and pin myself.
The referee would blow his whistle and we would grapple. Mano y mano. Hand to hand, man to man - there was no outside assistance.
Once locked into the struggle, I knew I was losing. The other boy obviously had a strength (and will) advantage. My main tactic, as far as I can remember, was to attempt to escape the circle. Generally, ones who do this lose points for stalling, but I didn't care. Unfortunately, my opponent was quite good at counteracting my best move of running away.
He just kept dragging me back in.
It feels like the year 2020 is the same kind of opponent. Bush fires, coronavirus, riots, protests, political insanity. This year has stretched interminably - minutes have become locked-down hours; hours have become isolated days; days have become weeks of worry. There have been times when I've wanted to throw in the towel, but more often I just wanted to escape the circle for a while. I wanted a breather - and frankly, I just wanted 2020 to get off my back.
But the year keeps dragging me back in.
I can't even imagine, then, what Jacob felt like during his wrestling match written about in Genesis 32:
Jacob was left alone and a man wrestled with him until daybreak. When the man saw that he could not defeat him, he struck Jacob's hip socket as they wrestled and dislocated his hip. Then he said to Jacob, 'let me go, for it's daybreak.'
But Jacob said, 'I will not let you go unless you bless me.'
There are all sorts of things that I wonder about this story:
1. Why was there a wandering wrestler in the wilderness?
2. How could they possibly wrestle all night? A minute was long enough.
3. As Jacob pulled the man back into the circle, he pinned him down so that he could be blessed. How did Jacob know how to do this?
If I think about it, this year is very much like this story. For all the years of comfort we've grown accustomed to, 2020 arrived very much like a strange, wandering wrestler. Entering into the circle of our comfort, 2020 pulled some moves we weren't expecting: fires, viruses and general global unrest. 2020 dislocated us, not just upsetting our comfort, but truly stopped us from moving. 2020 arm locked us down, and strangely, it's felt like the referee doesn't feel good about stopping the match.
And now, we have a choice:
We can try to just drag ourselves to the end of the year, tap out and hope that 2021 is far less aggressive, or we can hold on tight and find the blessing of this year - fight until the daybreak of December 31st and marvel that we have, as a global community sought to find meaning and life in the midst of all the struggle.
What blessings are you holding (on) out for? What have you struggled with already? Are you tired out? Are you stronger? Are you blessed?
