My daughter, Josephine, went to the Post Office the other day. As she stood in line, socially distanced, waiting to top up her MetroCard, she noticed that the attendant was a conversationalist. Because conversation in public is on the endangered list, Josephine took the time to have a chat. Here is a recap of the interaction (as best as I can write it down from Josephine's descriptions).
Post Office Employee: Good morning! How are you today?
Josephine: Very good, thank you. A beautiful morning outside today.
POE: Wonderful. Now, what are wanting to do today?
Josephine: I'd like to top up my MetroCard.
POE: (typing in the computer) So you go into the city a lot?
Josephine: I'm at university.
POE: What are you studying?
Josephine: Chemical engineering.
POE: Wow. Not many girls in that, are there?
Josephine: (stays quiet but grinds her teeth and smiles)
POE: Are you passing?
Now, everyone person who reads this, or even hears the story, has already had the narrative prepared in advance for that which should occur next. This is just what we do in the 21st century.
Step 1: Be offended.
Step 2: Take offense and tell the Postal Employee that his outdated, ageist, misogynistic ideas are shameful in the current century. Half of the students in her class are women, than you very much.
Step 3: Post her frustration and outrage online. Everyone should know about this episode. Social media should be invited to take part in the outrage party and eventually, if there is enough public shame frenzy whipped up, this postal employee should get fired (or cancelled, in this present age).
Step 4: Continue to stew over the event and feel victimised by the moment.
Step 5: Perpetuate the pain of offense inwardly until it alters the way she looks at other people, especially men, in general.
Okay, so you've followed with me in this over-exaggerated, step-filled process. When I first heard her retell the story, I found myself wanting to march down to the Post and give him a piece of a father's mind: women have every opportunity and every ability to do chemical engineering. But when I looked into my daughter's face, I found wisdom well beyond a parent's protective response.
Josephine had stopped the narrative after step 1.
Josephine had every right to be offended. She had every right to be angry and affronted by the naivete of this man and his outdated understanding. Being offended is one of the few ways that we experience enough frustration to speak out and change what's actually wrong.
But step 2 is the killer.
Once you take the offense, you pack it into your bag and you carry it with you. The offense is acidic and it eats away at the entirety of your joy. When you take offense and worry over it in your mind, it becomes something even more significant in your daily life. You find that what used to bring you happiness sits chained in the shadow of that offending moment.
Thus, here are three ways to break the chains of offense in life: (these are not exhaustive)
Leave the Offense Where You Found It
Like a coin glittering in the pit of an outhouse, the offense is nice and shiny and seems to have value. But really, retrieving it and polishing it up is actually not worth the effort. It just makes you holding... well, something covered in... um... someone else's issues.
In Josephine's story, imagine if Josephine would have gone off on the postal employee who, in some ways, was just asking a question about how Josephine was doing in university with her classes. In berating him, she leaves herself wide open for a negative response. She also slams the door on being able to offer a moment of education to him - like women in engineering was not just a thing of the present, but also of the past. She might even begin the next part of the conversation with, "Yes, I'm passing, and I love it. I want to follow in the footsteps of great chemical engineers like Joan Berkowitz who helped solve problems with pollution and waste." This might even intrigue the Postal Employee to immediately Google 'Joan Berkowitz' right after she leaves (which I hope you do also).
Solomon had something to say about this, too. Proverbs 19:11 A person's insight gives him or her patience, and their virtue is to overlook the offense.
A helpful virtue to have.
Kick the Offense into the Gutter
Taking offense serves no purpose whatsoever other than to stir up difficulty in one's own life. Once you have moved on to Steps 3-5, you open yourself up for hypocrisy.
And, hypocrisy is a murderer of most good things.
All of our lives are exposed to media, recording, visual reminders that we are being watched constantly. The moment we post something entirely negative about an offense taken, there is always a person we have offended in the past who rolls their eyes, points a finger and says, 'Yeah, poor baby, but what about the time you...'
Ecclesiastes 7:21,22 Don't pay attention to everything people say, or you may hear your servant cursing you, for in your heart you know that many times you yourself have cursed others.
Soon, the offense you took and posted online has suddenly become a dagger in the hands of an old enemy and it is plunged straight at your back. You never even saw it coming.
Kick that offense right into the sewer so that you can...
Move On
It's forgiveness, not forgetness. When we move on, we are allowed the gift of forgiveness which might be less for the other person and more for ourselves. We won't forget that moment of offense. We won't forget the times when someone said something inconsiderate or unconscionable.
But it can be a henna tattoo rather than an ink one.
Move on.
Don't stare into the gutter where you've kicked the offense. Keep going. Enjoy the very things and gifts that God has given you to do.
Colossians 3:12,13 Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, put on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another if anyone has a grievance against another. Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you are also to forgive.
If God can move on, we can too.
I pray that you can break all chains of offense in your life.
