Certain movies have 'Man Scenes.'
I'm not talking about Jason Bourne bringing down the entire German embassy with a backpack and a Bic lighter, nor am I going the other direction with Austin Power's ability to manipulate Fembots with his hairy chest.
I'm talking about 'Man Scenes' which are so manly it should be made into one word: Manscenes. A description: In a world where the only way a man looks 'manly' is if he is able to annihilate an enemy nation with a gun and one clip of ammo, or if he has superhero powers and glistening, shaved muscles, or if he is able to somehow sleep his way (not really sleeping) through the forest of women who only need to be his object - I choose to be like Tom Hanks.
Castaway - setting the manscene. Tom has been involved in a plane crash over the Pacific Ocean and somehow he survives the plunge into the ocean, the storm, dehydration and all things stereotypical of Island Survivor stories, he makes his way onto the beach of a deserted island where, after a few days of figuring out how to scrounge together food and water, he eventually decides it's time to make fire. Dressed in a beautiful wool sweater and long pants, Tom talks to his only friend - a volleyball named Wilson - about the difficulties of actually starting a fire with sticks of wood.
Probably most of us have tried this at one point, starting fire with sticks (not talking to a volleyball). Friction is a terrific force; it starts heat and begins fires. There is a trick to it, obviously, which eventually Tom figures out and after the first tendrils of smoke lift from the frictioned wood, and the first fire starts the coconut husk alight, we are left in utter joy with Tom's elation. Carrying his treasure to the beach like a modern day Prometheus (without Zeus' irritation and subsequent punishment of perpetual liver eating by vultures) Tom enflames the small fire into a raging inferno. He sheds his shirt (which all men like to do, I think, even if they don't have hairless, glistening muscles) and dances around the fire beating his chest and proclaiming to his own version of Zeus...
I... Have made... FIRE!
3. Start the Fire.
The third of the Five Ways to Actively Impress Your Spouse is to tap into your pyromaniacal heritage and start the fire.
When Christine and I first met, she was already adept at starting fires. I, on the other hand, was adept at watching fires. I liked to poke sticks in them, start the nubs on fire and write my name in the night air. Now that's impressive. But real men need to know how to start fires, how to keep them going, how to know how much friction is good and when it is too much and slows things down. Christine already knew how to start a campfire, and of course I did too, but it was much better for me to have one of those plastic lighter things and a whole bag of newspaper.
I started the fire on our second night at Ravensbourne. The owners of the cabin dutifully brought a rusted, vase-like brassiere and four pieces of wood. They encouraged the girls to go hunting for some more wood lying around, but after our trip into the Valley of the Shadow of Death the day before, I wasn't sending my girls into the woods for any reason. They'd probably be attacked by a python.
Included in the articles brought by were these little white cubes that you put at the bottom of the fire which supposedly help light it. I definitely wouldn't be needing those. Then, some matches which looked like they'd been lying in a drawer for a while. Hopefully they still worked. After receiving these campfire artifacts, the male half of the owners couple handed me a can of insect killer. I'd noticed the immense wasps nests near the back porch and above the carport. Knowing our luck with Australian invertebrates, these would be Tracker Jackers from the Hunger Games. Hello hallucinatory death stings.
He smiled. "Are you a fast runner?"
"What?" I had no idea what he was talking about.
"I don't think the spray is going to reach the nest, but give it a shot if you think you can outrun them."
Great. The owner of the cabin is asking me to be his exterminator. "I think I'll just leave them then?"
"Whatever you think," the older man said with smile as he warily watched the circling wasps above his head.
After bringing the campfire necessities to the back beyond the balcony, I set up shop and the girls when to gather some more wood (safely underneath trees in the gated community within visual of both Christine and I.) Settling into my chair, I put some twigs on the bottom and took out the matches. First strike. I broke the head off of a match. Taking another one out, I tried again but the same result occurred. Must be faulty matches, I thought. Third try I got the thing started but it quickly flamed out. Prometheus, where are you? Probably having his liver devoured.
Eventually, the match lit and I placed it on the twigs, but after a few moments, the match burned down to my finger tips. Blowing on my fingers and shaking them, somehow that's supposed to help, I muttered under my breath and looked at the package of small white cakes. Nope, I can do this. Real men can start a fire without it. If Tom can do it, so can I. Another broken match. Soon, I would be rubbing sticks together. I looked up to see if anyone was watching me from the balcony. Thankfully, no. So, I succumbed to the temptation and took two of the stupid, little white cakes and placed them on the bottom. Resentfully I looked at the matches that were abandoning me in my time of need and what do you know? First strike, the match held and I put it underneath the stupid, little white cake and it caught immediately. I waited for the stupid, little white cakes to burn down and then I put more wood on top (almost extinguishing it in the process). I raised my hands triumphantly.
I... Have made... FIRE!
"Christine, Hon, come look at the fire I've created!"
Christine stayed inside the apartment obviously more interested in whatever she was doing them being actively impressed by her husband. "Did you have to use the little white cake things?"
I swallowed. "Please, do you have to even ask that question?"
We had a great campfire that night. Our conversation was stoked by recollections of Christine's (or Mum's) great talents and memories. In the midst, I thought of even some of our moments of tension - or friction - that are good for any marriage. If there is no friction or if there is no heat built up, the fire tends to die down. Friction, when used correctly can be a very good thing for the fuels of a relationship, but too much friction only causes pain.
After our night of remembering, of singing old camp songs and new melodies from the Matthias five, it was time to get to bed. The girls took up the chairs and the campfire paraphernalia and I was in charge of extinguishing the fire. I suppose all guys do this, right? so after carefully looking around and up to the balcony, in the dark of the night I urinated on the fire thinking that somehow this would put it out.
As I played fireman, I hear from behind me, "Mum, Dad's peeing on the fire."
So impressive.
Tomorrow - last two Ways to Actively Impress Your Spouse.
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
An Attempt to Impress - Episode 2
We continued walking along the damp, leaf covered path. Now that we all were infinitely aware of creepy crawlies, we continued to check our extremities after every couple of steps. The mind does strange things like that sometimes: you hear on the news that a violent criminal is loose - every sound that night wakes you from a shallow sleep even though you know the odds that a violent criminal stopping by the pastor's house at 2:00 in the morning are relatively low. These leeches, they weren't very big, quite small really in comparison with some that I have seen before, grew in our subliminal consciousness so that eventually, instead of taking in the beautiful sights and sounds, we were hurrying to the end destination missing many vistas along the way.
As we neared our final destination - the Sandstone Cliffs - (which turned out to be a few rock overhangs along the path) I noticed a woman sitting inside a relatively large cave along side the path. Wearing khaki shorts, a pink top and tennis shoes with small booty socks peering over the top, the woman had brought along on her hike a bulky newspaper to read. My first thought was, Have fun with the rhinoceros ants when they clean all the meat off your ankles because you've been sitting still - what an idiot. My second thought didn't occur to me until after we passed the 'Walls' and waded through knee high grass on a mini flattened grass pathway in an attempt to find these so-called Sandstone Cliffs (God knows what kind of creepy, crawly things lay in wait in the grass...). Finding a gravel road on the other side of the grass, I noticed movement to my right and a middle aged man - to me that's a fifty-something - strolling down towards us with binoculars around his neck.
Ornithologist. That explains the newspaper.
I think ornithologists - birdwatchers - have to be some of the most patient, and strange, people on the planet. Imagine walking along the path with an ornithologist, or worse yet standing still on a muddy track filled with spiders and leaches and ants, Oh My! with an ornithologist while he points to a tiny little black, blue and red sparrow seventy-five feet away. The ornithologist has not thought to bring binoculars for you, no sir, so you casually, patiently scan the dense canopy of forest for a speck of color for the tooth-billed bowerbird. Your ornithologist mate is dancing excitedly but you are much more interested in the ants which are crawling up his socks to shred his calves like piranhas.
We turned around because we ultimately recognized that the Sandstone Cliffs were indeed the little overhanging caves that the newspaper reading woman was sitting in. As we passed back through the gauntlet of grass (defying death again if you ask me), I noticed that the middle-aged ornithologist was following us. It was evident that he and she were together. Talk about a couple that knows each other. She knew exactly how long it was going to take for him either to spot the Atherton Scrubwren or the Victoria's Riflebird, probably just long enough to get through the top stories and into the editorials. On his return, he would have been content by his conquest, and she happy to have conquered the content of her newspaper. Hand in hand, side by side they would have backtracked along the Australian version of the Yellow Brick Road delighted by their silence and the noise of the birds, oblivious to any dangers that might pop their heads up along the way.
They had figured out how to overcome cracking boredom in their marriage (or so I postulated by my brief fourteen second visual in passing them.)
As we continued back towards the parking lot, a little brisker pace at this point thinking that somehow if we just walked faster the leeches wouldn't be able to attach to our shoes, Josephine made a noise quite similar to the small little yelp that I let escape in what was now known as the Elvis Incident. "It scared me," she said pointing to the brush just to the side of the road.
"What was it?" Christine asked.
"A snake," Josephine responded with fingers curled up in front of her lips. I wouldn't have put my fingers anywhere near my lips. Who knows what kind of deadly bacteria is floating in the Australian air waiting to cling to my fingernails?
Silently I rolled my eyes and looked up to heaven. What? Can't we just walk out of the Valley of the Shadow of Death? Do you really need to prepare a table in front of our enemies?
Christine moved closer to Josephine. I hung back. "What color was it?" Christine's question. My question: Was it big enough to swallow you?
"I think it was a green tree snake. Look," she pointed to a nearby vine, "there it is."
Whew. Harmless unless you're a mouse. "Yes, it definitely looks like a green tree snake."
Let's just clear one thing up now. As creative as Australians are about naming their birds, they are equally uncreative about naming their deadly reptiles. For instance - the second most deadly snake in the world is the 'Brown Snake.' Does that sound like an animal whose poison can kill you in an hour? A brown snake? Why not call it 'Slithering Death?' The Red-Bellied Black snake? You guessed it: it's got a red belly on its black body. Pretty tame name for a snake that can take you out with one bite. Dark Assassin would be better. Inland Taipan? Deadliest snake in the world? Sounds like southeast Asian restaurant if you asked me. The Inland Taipan doesn't bite you once, but like a machine gun it nails you multiple times per second injecting the strongest snake venom in the world. My name for them? Venomous Death Stick. After doing some research on the VDS it was interesting to note that the authors of listverse.com say that one bite from a VDS can kill 12,000 guinea pigs. How they did that research, I don't know. Did they line up fifteen thousand guinea pigs and at 11,999 they thought to themselves, "Is this ever going to stop?" Another interesting, horrifying tidbit about the VDS is that before the antivenom was created, the receiver was assured of death within one hour of the bite. No survival. Yippee. Anyway, the only good and decent name for one of Australia's venomous reptiles is the Death Adder. Fitting.
Just a green tree snake. Ha ha. Everyone's having a good time. Now we started to walk even faster. What could possibly be around the corner? A Koala with a death wish?
As we hurried back up the path, upwards out of the Shadowy Death Valley, Josephine came running back to us. "Another snake. It's by Greta."
This time, Josephine looked worried and as Christine and I hurried up the Yellow Brick Road, sure enough standing up about two feet from Greta's leg was a thoroughly unconvincing small snake which looked like it was enjoying a lovely little stroll in the woods. Elsa, Josephine and I stepped back from it while Greta remained poised one leg almost in the air, one on the ground. Unsure of whether she should attempt to sprint or just stay still, Greta was caught in herpetical purgatory. No one really knows what the suggested practice is, but usually one's first instinct is to run. Somehow, she remained calm in the presence of that little...
Brown Snake.
My first instinct was to take a picture. Ashamed, I am. Someday later in life she would have enjoyed seeing that moment of defying death, the happy little snake smiling broadly at her indecision. My second instinct was to pick up a big stick and whack the Slithering Death to, um, death. "Don't move," Christine said. Obviously, being a native Australian she had had multiple opportunities of studying this in school. I'm sure one of their classes surely was "Herpetology 101 - What to do when (not if) a deadly snake tries to eat you."
If I was Greta, I'd have already moved. Greta lost her balance briefly and her suspended foot jiggled which caused the snake to flinch. Now the thing was looking serious. No more Mr. Nice Snake. Come on, Christine, I thought to myself. Just let her get out of there.
"All right, Greta," Christine said calmly, "What you're going to do is, on the count of three, jump and run forward up the road. You got it?" Greta's adrenaline filled eyes were already filling with tears.
"One..." The snake perked up its head. Maybe its mother used the same technique with him when it was littler and misbehaving.
"Two..." I was mouthing the words with her.
"THREE!" I think Greta could have dunked a basketball. As she scurried up the path, the little brown snake looked around perplexedly as if to say, 'What just happened?' It didn't move. Honestly, it seemed like it was questioning why we weren't all just moving passed his sleeping spot. Now I had my stick ready and prepared. Multiple different scenarios had already traversed my brain patterns. In one, the snake had attacked Christine and I had, because of my lightning fast reflexes, swung the stick like a baseball bat and knocked the head off the snake. In another one, I had placed the end of the stick on the snake's head and after grasping the slithering serpent in my hand, I bit its head off. Real life was much different, though. Christine made these 'shooing' motions with her hands and feet which did very little to deter the snake from its perch. It was my turn to save the day.
With the stick, I flicked dirt into the snake's face from a delightfully safe distance. But in my own mind, I had not only saved the life of my wife, but also my children and, pretty much anyone else who was wandering on the Yellow Brick Road. They could all congratulate me later with a tickertape parade.
Christine rushed past the place where the snake had been and embraced our crying almost teenage daughter. The only thing I could think of now was that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark when Indiana Jones has to make his way through the walls of the tomb and there are snakes crawling out of everything. All he has is a burnt out torch and a whip.
I had a stick.
"All right," I announced. "Let's go everyone." With that, we started running for the car. We still had almost half a mile to go yet, uphill at that, but we were sprinting as if the Sauron, the Dark Lord, was chasing us with the Eye. I led the way and because my mind was working in overdrive, every freaking stick seemed to be one of the world's deadliest snakes waiting to take a bite out of us. The only good thing was that I had stopped thinking about spiders, leeches and ants Oh My!
About two hundred meters from the parking lot, just as we were ready to reenter the Promised Land, another tourist came walking down the path. He was of Asian descent, alone and, get this, wearing thongs, shorts and a tank top. I was in a hurry but silently I prayed for his family that they would have a good and decent funeral for this young, foolish tourist. Would they find the remnants of his fang punctured body, sucked dry by leeches, covered by fearsome spiders and stripped of epidermis by skin eating rhinoceros ants? Christine actually stopped to talk to him - what a thoughtful woman - I just wanted to get out of there with most of my body and soul intact.
Needless to say, when we reached the top, we dropped to our knees. Not to thank God, but to take our shoes off and check for leeches. Oh, we thanked God also, and I apologized to him for thinking of him secondly, but enough was enough. After the leech search, we looked at each other, thankful to be alive and whole, but I was proud of myself that I had saved the entire family by walking up the path first - with the stick. 2. Saved child's life.
Check.
As we neared our final destination - the Sandstone Cliffs - (which turned out to be a few rock overhangs along the path) I noticed a woman sitting inside a relatively large cave along side the path. Wearing khaki shorts, a pink top and tennis shoes with small booty socks peering over the top, the woman had brought along on her hike a bulky newspaper to read. My first thought was, Have fun with the rhinoceros ants when they clean all the meat off your ankles because you've been sitting still - what an idiot. My second thought didn't occur to me until after we passed the 'Walls' and waded through knee high grass on a mini flattened grass pathway in an attempt to find these so-called Sandstone Cliffs (God knows what kind of creepy, crawly things lay in wait in the grass...). Finding a gravel road on the other side of the grass, I noticed movement to my right and a middle aged man - to me that's a fifty-something - strolling down towards us with binoculars around his neck.
Ornithologist. That explains the newspaper.
I think ornithologists - birdwatchers - have to be some of the most patient, and strange, people on the planet. Imagine walking along the path with an ornithologist, or worse yet standing still on a muddy track filled with spiders and leaches and ants, Oh My! with an ornithologist while he points to a tiny little black, blue and red sparrow seventy-five feet away. The ornithologist has not thought to bring binoculars for you, no sir, so you casually, patiently scan the dense canopy of forest for a speck of color for the tooth-billed bowerbird. Your ornithologist mate is dancing excitedly but you are much more interested in the ants which are crawling up his socks to shred his calves like piranhas.
We turned around because we ultimately recognized that the Sandstone Cliffs were indeed the little overhanging caves that the newspaper reading woman was sitting in. As we passed back through the gauntlet of grass (defying death again if you ask me), I noticed that the middle-aged ornithologist was following us. It was evident that he and she were together. Talk about a couple that knows each other. She knew exactly how long it was going to take for him either to spot the Atherton Scrubwren or the Victoria's Riflebird, probably just long enough to get through the top stories and into the editorials. On his return, he would have been content by his conquest, and she happy to have conquered the content of her newspaper. Hand in hand, side by side they would have backtracked along the Australian version of the Yellow Brick Road delighted by their silence and the noise of the birds, oblivious to any dangers that might pop their heads up along the way.
They had figured out how to overcome cracking boredom in their marriage (or so I postulated by my brief fourteen second visual in passing them.)
As we continued back towards the parking lot, a little brisker pace at this point thinking that somehow if we just walked faster the leeches wouldn't be able to attach to our shoes, Josephine made a noise quite similar to the small little yelp that I let escape in what was now known as the Elvis Incident. "It scared me," she said pointing to the brush just to the side of the road.
"What was it?" Christine asked.
"A snake," Josephine responded with fingers curled up in front of her lips. I wouldn't have put my fingers anywhere near my lips. Who knows what kind of deadly bacteria is floating in the Australian air waiting to cling to my fingernails?
Silently I rolled my eyes and looked up to heaven. What? Can't we just walk out of the Valley of the Shadow of Death? Do you really need to prepare a table in front of our enemies?
Christine moved closer to Josephine. I hung back. "What color was it?" Christine's question. My question: Was it big enough to swallow you?
"I think it was a green tree snake. Look," she pointed to a nearby vine, "there it is."
Whew. Harmless unless you're a mouse. "Yes, it definitely looks like a green tree snake."
Let's just clear one thing up now. As creative as Australians are about naming their birds, they are equally uncreative about naming their deadly reptiles. For instance - the second most deadly snake in the world is the 'Brown Snake.' Does that sound like an animal whose poison can kill you in an hour? A brown snake? Why not call it 'Slithering Death?' The Red-Bellied Black snake? You guessed it: it's got a red belly on its black body. Pretty tame name for a snake that can take you out with one bite. Dark Assassin would be better. Inland Taipan? Deadliest snake in the world? Sounds like southeast Asian restaurant if you asked me. The Inland Taipan doesn't bite you once, but like a machine gun it nails you multiple times per second injecting the strongest snake venom in the world. My name for them? Venomous Death Stick. After doing some research on the VDS it was interesting to note that the authors of listverse.com say that one bite from a VDS can kill 12,000 guinea pigs. How they did that research, I don't know. Did they line up fifteen thousand guinea pigs and at 11,999 they thought to themselves, "Is this ever going to stop?" Another interesting, horrifying tidbit about the VDS is that before the antivenom was created, the receiver was assured of death within one hour of the bite. No survival. Yippee. Anyway, the only good and decent name for one of Australia's venomous reptiles is the Death Adder. Fitting.
Just a green tree snake. Ha ha. Everyone's having a good time. Now we started to walk even faster. What could possibly be around the corner? A Koala with a death wish?
As we hurried back up the path, upwards out of the Shadowy Death Valley, Josephine came running back to us. "Another snake. It's by Greta."
This time, Josephine looked worried and as Christine and I hurried up the Yellow Brick Road, sure enough standing up about two feet from Greta's leg was a thoroughly unconvincing small snake which looked like it was enjoying a lovely little stroll in the woods. Elsa, Josephine and I stepped back from it while Greta remained poised one leg almost in the air, one on the ground. Unsure of whether she should attempt to sprint or just stay still, Greta was caught in herpetical purgatory. No one really knows what the suggested practice is, but usually one's first instinct is to run. Somehow, she remained calm in the presence of that little...
Brown Snake.
My first instinct was to take a picture. Ashamed, I am. Someday later in life she would have enjoyed seeing that moment of defying death, the happy little snake smiling broadly at her indecision. My second instinct was to pick up a big stick and whack the Slithering Death to, um, death. "Don't move," Christine said. Obviously, being a native Australian she had had multiple opportunities of studying this in school. I'm sure one of their classes surely was "Herpetology 101 - What to do when (not if) a deadly snake tries to eat you."
If I was Greta, I'd have already moved. Greta lost her balance briefly and her suspended foot jiggled which caused the snake to flinch. Now the thing was looking serious. No more Mr. Nice Snake. Come on, Christine, I thought to myself. Just let her get out of there.
"All right, Greta," Christine said calmly, "What you're going to do is, on the count of three, jump and run forward up the road. You got it?" Greta's adrenaline filled eyes were already filling with tears.
"One..." The snake perked up its head. Maybe its mother used the same technique with him when it was littler and misbehaving.
"Two..." I was mouthing the words with her.
"THREE!" I think Greta could have dunked a basketball. As she scurried up the path, the little brown snake looked around perplexedly as if to say, 'What just happened?' It didn't move. Honestly, it seemed like it was questioning why we weren't all just moving passed his sleeping spot. Now I had my stick ready and prepared. Multiple different scenarios had already traversed my brain patterns. In one, the snake had attacked Christine and I had, because of my lightning fast reflexes, swung the stick like a baseball bat and knocked the head off the snake. In another one, I had placed the end of the stick on the snake's head and after grasping the slithering serpent in my hand, I bit its head off. Real life was much different, though. Christine made these 'shooing' motions with her hands and feet which did very little to deter the snake from its perch. It was my turn to save the day.
With the stick, I flicked dirt into the snake's face from a delightfully safe distance. But in my own mind, I had not only saved the life of my wife, but also my children and, pretty much anyone else who was wandering on the Yellow Brick Road. They could all congratulate me later with a tickertape parade.
Christine rushed past the place where the snake had been and embraced our crying almost teenage daughter. The only thing I could think of now was that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark when Indiana Jones has to make his way through the walls of the tomb and there are snakes crawling out of everything. All he has is a burnt out torch and a whip.
I had a stick.
"All right," I announced. "Let's go everyone." With that, we started running for the car. We still had almost half a mile to go yet, uphill at that, but we were sprinting as if the Sauron, the Dark Lord, was chasing us with the Eye. I led the way and because my mind was working in overdrive, every freaking stick seemed to be one of the world's deadliest snakes waiting to take a bite out of us. The only good thing was that I had stopped thinking about spiders, leeches and ants Oh My!
About two hundred meters from the parking lot, just as we were ready to reenter the Promised Land, another tourist came walking down the path. He was of Asian descent, alone and, get this, wearing thongs, shorts and a tank top. I was in a hurry but silently I prayed for his family that they would have a good and decent funeral for this young, foolish tourist. Would they find the remnants of his fang punctured body, sucked dry by leeches, covered by fearsome spiders and stripped of epidermis by skin eating rhinoceros ants? Christine actually stopped to talk to him - what a thoughtful woman - I just wanted to get out of there with most of my body and soul intact.
Needless to say, when we reached the top, we dropped to our knees. Not to thank God, but to take our shoes off and check for leeches. Oh, we thanked God also, and I apologized to him for thinking of him secondly, but enough was enough. After the leech search, we looked at each other, thankful to be alive and whole, but I was proud of myself that I had saved the entire family by walking up the path first - with the stick. 2. Saved child's life.
Check.
An Attempt to Impress - Episode 1
I have to admit something.
It's not as if I'm going to reveal I'm a drug addict or I have a secret fondness for Pampered Chef products (Oh those names the Pampered Chef come up with. If you have a chance, take a look at the way they label their gadgets - a simple paring knife might be something like "Specialized Combination Fruit and Vegetable Slicer." You've never seen anything like this before!) Okay, we have lots of Pampered Chef stuff in the house but at least I'm not a drug addict; I do have to admit, though, that I have an affinity for one thing in particular.
Every time my Facebook opens, someone has shared or posted an article that starts with these words: Four ways to... Seven secrets of... Forty ways to be... Seventeen best representations... Nine things to look for in...
I don't know what it is about people who can delineate a set number of ways to do something. Just the other day I saw someone post Forty Ways to Achieve True Happiness. I'm pretty sure I could have stopped at thirteen, but because there were forty(!), I just had to keep reading. Seven secrets for pastors to not get burnt out? Had to read that one. Nine signs that your spouse is thinking about someone else?
I left that one alone.
In every relationship, I would guess that there are times when you start to doubt whether you are bringing the goods or not and even though we stress in marriage counseling that matrimony should not be conditional, sometimes it's good to act like it is, even if it isn't.
That's why I'm writing this missive: The Five Best Ways to Actively Impress Your Spouse.
I have no doubt that this blog will go viral and be shared with all forty-three of my Facebook friends. I am in the process of culling them. I am using the same method as one my colleagues (also named Reid): 1. If they post anything that has to do with their dogs or how important dogs are in the grand scheme of life - erase. 2. If they ever take a picture of their food - ever - Gone. 3. If they ever post anything that starts with these words: Just checking to see if anyone cares... 4. If they are one issue posters. That's one of my things: if the only thing you put on your social media site has to do with the same issue over and over and over again like how much you dislike Donald Trump, how great lanolin is or asking me to try out a stupid quiz: I'll stay friends with you, but as Yoda says Unfollow you, I will.
Back to impressing your spouse.
Is there no greater activity under the sun than to try to get your spouse to remember why, exactly, she married you in the first place? As the days turn to weeks and weeks to months, everything seems to turn to routine. We made vows that we would be together in sickness, health, financial insecurity and wealth, but what seems to gets most couples is a direct result of boredom. We didn't sign up to be roommates, but carefree terrestrial vagabonds going where the Spirit wills and the will spirits us away. Often, you can see boredom seep into the cracks of marriage and like water freezing in the crevices of the cement, the ice expands causing an arctic drift. Couples don't just forget how to date, or even that they should, they just plain forget how to have fun.
Thus, the five ways to impress.
1. Don't forget her birthday.
Okay, that sounds stupid, but remembering her birthday doesn't just mean being cognizant that on a certain day of the year certain people will stop posting pictures of their dogs and food and one issue wonders and put a heartfelt, Happy Birthday on her timeline. It's not one of my favorite things, those timeline birthdays. I think there is nothing heartfelt about a happy birthday on the timeline. If you can't add a sentence saying something nice, or remembering something awesome about them, don't even post it. They're just going to scroll through it. For Christine's birthdays, I try to impress her with all sorts of things and rarely are they physical gifts. No Pampered Chef for her. This year, I decided to surprise Christine with a two day retreat to a 'mountain chalet' which turned out to be a cabin on the side of a hill. No matter, it was beautiful. But in trying to impress her, the girls and I made a treasure hunt for her to try and figure out where the mystery gift would take place. She passed with flying colors, so on Monday, we set out for Ravensbourne, the site of our 'mountain chalet.'
2. Save your child's life.
I wouldn't necessarily say that you should actively put your children at risk so that you can impress your spouse, but when the opportunity presents itself, step up.
Before we could get to our chalet, the five of us decided to go for a hike in Ravensbourne National Park. None of us had been in the park before, although I had driven by it a few times. We parked our station wagon in the parking lot in the midst of other tourist vehicles. I heard accents from England and Ireland, a few from Asia and then our own mottled Australican accents.
The girls journeyed ahead while Christine and I walked behind, hand in hand, side by side. I was holding the camera while taking various pictures of local flora and fauna. Some of the shrubbery was beautiful and I stopped to take a picture of the lantana, an imported species from England which, in fact, turned out to be quite invasive and has taken over vast amounts of the Australian countryside. The residents hate it, but the bush has these amazing pink and yellow flowers of which I stopped to take a photo. Now, I'm not a professional by any means, but I like to pretend I'm some kind of National Geographic-in-waiting-photographer so I maneuvered myself right next to one of the lantana blooms to snap the shot. Just as I was about to finish, Christine whispers in my ear, "Now I don't want you to freak out, but if you'll just take a small step back..."
Okay. When my wife says that, it can mean one of many things: 1. Venomous reptile. Australia is rife with them. Eight of the ten deadliest snakes in the world are just underfoot. 2. Venomous arachnid. As if snakes aren't bad enough, the spiders are even worse. 3. Venomous birds. I'm just making that up, but I'm sure that if an avian decided to grow fangs and inject poison into some unexpecting bald tourist, Australia would be the first place to have them.
Anyway, it was number 2. It was a spider. Not just any spider, but when Christine pointed down not eight inches below the trigger finger of my camera, I saw what I'd like to call the Elvis spider. This thing had so much hair it looked like it could actually use a blow dryer in the morning. Jumping back, I made a very (un)impressive noise, something like a blend of a mewling cat and a stuck pig. Christine doesn't mind spiders and so as I backed as far away from the Thing waiting to sing "Blue Suede Shoes," Christine started taking pictures of It.
Just as I was about to pull Christine away from Elvis before he jumped onto her face and ingested her nose in one bite (he was that big - kind of like an overly hairy blond tennis ball), a leaf fell from a tree and brushed my leg. In the state I was in, I believed that somehow Elvis' children were rearing up to protect their father. I'm man enough to say I screamed a little, not like a startled school girl, but a real manly yell, like when you're angry with your favorite football team losing. Christine turned around and shook her head.
Meanwhile, I had dropped the camera lens cap and when I reached down to the ground, I did notice something crawling just above my sock.
Leech.
You've got to be kidding me.
And there wasn't just one leech. After I plucked the creature from my ankle, I heard shouts ahead form the girls who were waiting for us. It was evident that they, too, had encountered some of the parasites. "Maybe we should turn around," I implored, "For your sake. We don't want to ruin your birthday by being exsanguinated by leeches."
"Don't be silly," she replied rolling her eyes, "this is the spice of life."
Ugh. We moved down to the girls who were attempting successful extrications of leeches from their own legs. We then made the decision to move a little faster and to not stop in the mud which seemed to be where the leeches and all things sucky come from. The girls raced on ahead of us shrieking with joy, and, I think, trepidation at the thought of the leeches making the trek any farther north. Yes, I have seen Stand By Me and don't think for a minute I wasn't thinking about that scene.
Christine and I walked at a brisker pace, but I was fascinated by some kind of orange berry that had split and out of it were white and black seeds. They kind of looked like some version of mushroom from Mario Brothers Nintendo game. I decide that I'd just take a moment, one little moment, to take a picture of them. As I paused, Christine watched her ankles for the invariable invasion of sucking legless organisms. As I was finishing up the second picture, I felt something on my legs. Sure that it was just leeches, I looked down and saw to my own horror that I was standing on top of an ants nest and these ants were not cute little picnic destroying ants, but full grown rhinoceros size things. They had pincers on the front (or the back, I wasn't sure) and as I watched in paralyzing slowness, their pincers grabbed on to my skin and...
WHAM!!!
Holy crap do those things bite. I swatted at them and as they held on, I tried to destroy them but bite, bite, bite. It felt like I was being shot in the ankles by the little... (I have to keep this blog rated G, but my mind was in full blown rated R language)... Christine attempted to help me, but as I pulled one off of my ankle, I inadvertently almost threw it in her face. Happy birthday, Sweetheart. I hope I'm impressing you. After roughly twenty seconds of all out war with the ants, I finally turned them back, but not without the casualty of my protruding anklebones. It felt as if someone had poured boiling tar on them. Hoping I wasn't allergic to the things, I tried to move on and then I noticed another one slip in my other shoe.
BAM!
I was jumping around on one burning foot while the other one was starting on fire. I couldn't reach the little... bugger... because it was in my shoe so I took it off and what do I find? The ant AND a little leech having their own little indecent soirée inside my sock. Christine was trying her best not to look amused but the only thing that came to mind as we started to walk down the pseudo yellow brick road was Spider and leeches and ants, Oh My! What else was going to make this day even worse?
Tune into tomorrow for an impressive display of bravery and the next episode of An Attempt to Impress. I'll let you know how I accomplished number 2. Save your child's life.
After, of course, my ankles stopped burning.
It's not as if I'm going to reveal I'm a drug addict or I have a secret fondness for Pampered Chef products (Oh those names the Pampered Chef come up with. If you have a chance, take a look at the way they label their gadgets - a simple paring knife might be something like "Specialized Combination Fruit and Vegetable Slicer." You've never seen anything like this before!) Okay, we have lots of Pampered Chef stuff in the house but at least I'm not a drug addict; I do have to admit, though, that I have an affinity for one thing in particular.
Every time my Facebook opens, someone has shared or posted an article that starts with these words: Four ways to... Seven secrets of... Forty ways to be... Seventeen best representations... Nine things to look for in...
I don't know what it is about people who can delineate a set number of ways to do something. Just the other day I saw someone post Forty Ways to Achieve True Happiness. I'm pretty sure I could have stopped at thirteen, but because there were forty(!), I just had to keep reading. Seven secrets for pastors to not get burnt out? Had to read that one. Nine signs that your spouse is thinking about someone else?
I left that one alone.
In every relationship, I would guess that there are times when you start to doubt whether you are bringing the goods or not and even though we stress in marriage counseling that matrimony should not be conditional, sometimes it's good to act like it is, even if it isn't.
That's why I'm writing this missive: The Five Best Ways to Actively Impress Your Spouse.
I have no doubt that this blog will go viral and be shared with all forty-three of my Facebook friends. I am in the process of culling them. I am using the same method as one my colleagues (also named Reid): 1. If they post anything that has to do with their dogs or how important dogs are in the grand scheme of life - erase. 2. If they ever take a picture of their food - ever - Gone. 3. If they ever post anything that starts with these words: Just checking to see if anyone cares... 4. If they are one issue posters. That's one of my things: if the only thing you put on your social media site has to do with the same issue over and over and over again like how much you dislike Donald Trump, how great lanolin is or asking me to try out a stupid quiz: I'll stay friends with you, but as Yoda says Unfollow you, I will.
Back to impressing your spouse.
Is there no greater activity under the sun than to try to get your spouse to remember why, exactly, she married you in the first place? As the days turn to weeks and weeks to months, everything seems to turn to routine. We made vows that we would be together in sickness, health, financial insecurity and wealth, but what seems to gets most couples is a direct result of boredom. We didn't sign up to be roommates, but carefree terrestrial vagabonds going where the Spirit wills and the will spirits us away. Often, you can see boredom seep into the cracks of marriage and like water freezing in the crevices of the cement, the ice expands causing an arctic drift. Couples don't just forget how to date, or even that they should, they just plain forget how to have fun.
Thus, the five ways to impress.
1. Don't forget her birthday.
Okay, that sounds stupid, but remembering her birthday doesn't just mean being cognizant that on a certain day of the year certain people will stop posting pictures of their dogs and food and one issue wonders and put a heartfelt, Happy Birthday on her timeline. It's not one of my favorite things, those timeline birthdays. I think there is nothing heartfelt about a happy birthday on the timeline. If you can't add a sentence saying something nice, or remembering something awesome about them, don't even post it. They're just going to scroll through it. For Christine's birthdays, I try to impress her with all sorts of things and rarely are they physical gifts. No Pampered Chef for her. This year, I decided to surprise Christine with a two day retreat to a 'mountain chalet' which turned out to be a cabin on the side of a hill. No matter, it was beautiful. But in trying to impress her, the girls and I made a treasure hunt for her to try and figure out where the mystery gift would take place. She passed with flying colors, so on Monday, we set out for Ravensbourne, the site of our 'mountain chalet.'
2. Save your child's life.
I wouldn't necessarily say that you should actively put your children at risk so that you can impress your spouse, but when the opportunity presents itself, step up.
Before we could get to our chalet, the five of us decided to go for a hike in Ravensbourne National Park. None of us had been in the park before, although I had driven by it a few times. We parked our station wagon in the parking lot in the midst of other tourist vehicles. I heard accents from England and Ireland, a few from Asia and then our own mottled Australican accents.
The girls journeyed ahead while Christine and I walked behind, hand in hand, side by side. I was holding the camera while taking various pictures of local flora and fauna. Some of the shrubbery was beautiful and I stopped to take a picture of the lantana, an imported species from England which, in fact, turned out to be quite invasive and has taken over vast amounts of the Australian countryside. The residents hate it, but the bush has these amazing pink and yellow flowers of which I stopped to take a photo. Now, I'm not a professional by any means, but I like to pretend I'm some kind of National Geographic-in-waiting-photographer so I maneuvered myself right next to one of the lantana blooms to snap the shot. Just as I was about to finish, Christine whispers in my ear, "Now I don't want you to freak out, but if you'll just take a small step back..."Okay. When my wife says that, it can mean one of many things: 1. Venomous reptile. Australia is rife with them. Eight of the ten deadliest snakes in the world are just underfoot. 2. Venomous arachnid. As if snakes aren't bad enough, the spiders are even worse. 3. Venomous birds. I'm just making that up, but I'm sure that if an avian decided to grow fangs and inject poison into some unexpecting bald tourist, Australia would be the first place to have them.
Anyway, it was number 2. It was a spider. Not just any spider, but when Christine pointed down not eight inches below the trigger finger of my camera, I saw what I'd like to call the Elvis spider. This thing had so much hair it looked like it could actually use a blow dryer in the morning. Jumping back, I made a very (un)impressive noise, something like a blend of a mewling cat and a stuck pig. Christine doesn't mind spiders and so as I backed as far away from the Thing waiting to sing "Blue Suede Shoes," Christine started taking pictures of It.
Just as I was about to pull Christine away from Elvis before he jumped onto her face and ingested her nose in one bite (he was that big - kind of like an overly hairy blond tennis ball), a leaf fell from a tree and brushed my leg. In the state I was in, I believed that somehow Elvis' children were rearing up to protect their father. I'm man enough to say I screamed a little, not like a startled school girl, but a real manly yell, like when you're angry with your favorite football team losing. Christine turned around and shook her head. Meanwhile, I had dropped the camera lens cap and when I reached down to the ground, I did notice something crawling just above my sock.
Leech.
You've got to be kidding me.
And there wasn't just one leech. After I plucked the creature from my ankle, I heard shouts ahead form the girls who were waiting for us. It was evident that they, too, had encountered some of the parasites. "Maybe we should turn around," I implored, "For your sake. We don't want to ruin your birthday by being exsanguinated by leeches."
"Don't be silly," she replied rolling her eyes, "this is the spice of life."
Ugh. We moved down to the girls who were attempting successful extrications of leeches from their own legs. We then made the decision to move a little faster and to not stop in the mud which seemed to be where the leeches and all things sucky come from. The girls raced on ahead of us shrieking with joy, and, I think, trepidation at the thought of the leeches making the trek any farther north. Yes, I have seen Stand By Me and don't think for a minute I wasn't thinking about that scene.
Christine and I walked at a brisker pace, but I was fascinated by some kind of orange berry that had split and out of it were white and black seeds. They kind of looked like some version of mushroom from Mario Brothers Nintendo game. I decide that I'd just take a moment, one little moment, to take a picture of them. As I paused, Christine watched her ankles for the invariable invasion of sucking legless organisms. As I was finishing up the second picture, I felt something on my legs. Sure that it was just leeches, I looked down and saw to my own horror that I was standing on top of an ants nest and these ants were not cute little picnic destroying ants, but full grown rhinoceros size things. They had pincers on the front (or the back, I wasn't sure) and as I watched in paralyzing slowness, their pincers grabbed on to my skin and...WHAM!!!
Holy crap do those things bite. I swatted at them and as they held on, I tried to destroy them but bite, bite, bite. It felt like I was being shot in the ankles by the little... (I have to keep this blog rated G, but my mind was in full blown rated R language)... Christine attempted to help me, but as I pulled one off of my ankle, I inadvertently almost threw it in her face. Happy birthday, Sweetheart. I hope I'm impressing you. After roughly twenty seconds of all out war with the ants, I finally turned them back, but not without the casualty of my protruding anklebones. It felt as if someone had poured boiling tar on them. Hoping I wasn't allergic to the things, I tried to move on and then I noticed another one slip in my other shoe.
BAM!
I was jumping around on one burning foot while the other one was starting on fire. I couldn't reach the little... bugger... because it was in my shoe so I took it off and what do I find? The ant AND a little leech having their own little indecent soirée inside my sock. Christine was trying her best not to look amused but the only thing that came to mind as we started to walk down the pseudo yellow brick road was Spider and leeches and ants, Oh My! What else was going to make this day even worse?
Tune into tomorrow for an impressive display of bravery and the next episode of An Attempt to Impress. I'll let you know how I accomplished number 2. Save your child's life.
After, of course, my ankles stopped burning.
Saturday, March 26, 2016
Buried
John Deason was twenty-nine years old on Feb. 5, 1869. Like most days, I guess, John reckoned it was another day, another dollar. About fifteen kilometers northwest of Dunolly, near the mining town of Moliagul (which mean as much to me as Blue Earth and Frost, Minnesota mean to most of the world), Deason and his partner, Richard Oates were poking around in the soil - puddling, it was called - when Deason stuck his pick in the ground and hit something solid. Assuming it was a rock, he moved his tool a bit and hit the same thing resulting in the same sound. As Deason cleared away that debris from around the stringybark tree, he found quartz and within that quartz was the largest gold nugget ever found in the world to that point. Deason, in his recollection of the day almost fifty years later, didn't seem that amazed and even after all the quartz had been cleared and the nugget had been split into three pieces because of its immense size, his response was quite unemotional: "When my mate came over I said, 'What do you think, Dick, is it worth 5,000 pounds?' Oates responded, "Nah, maybe 2,000." (Finding the Welcome Stranger Nugget - Public Domain)
After Deason and his wife sat by the fire for ten hours freeing the gold from the quartz, over two hundred pounds of gold were lifted from the nugget. Deason sold his prized treasure for over 9,000 pounds.
He found the gold about one inch under the surface.
Can you imagine stumbling over something like that? Something that would change your life so immensely? Something that you weren't even really looking for, but when it showed up you knew that life couldn't possibly remain the same?
King Josiah of Judah encountered that feeling. Josiah took the throne at the age of eight, the youngest of the monarchs. For the first seventeen years of his reign, it was probably business as usually even though Josiah's description, biblically speaking, was "He did what was right in the eyes of the Lord and followed completely the ways of his father David (David wasn't really his father, but as patriarchs go, he was similar in faithfulness), not turning aside to the right or to the left." (2 Kings 22:2)
Then, one morning during the eighteenth year, when Josiah was the ripe old age of twenty-six, he asked Hilkiah, the high priest, to make some reparations in the temple. Hilkiah, after arranging the schedule for the workers, happened upon a book which seemed to give him little pause; Hilkiah gave it to Shaphan the temple secretary to read it (strangely enough the high priest not only could not read the holy book, but it seemed that he had never seen it before).
Just under the surface of the temple was the greatest treasure to the ancient Israelites - the Book of the Law. How to live, how to dream, how to treat each other and how to live in God's presence. It was the story of God's interaction with them over the years, and after decades and decades of neglect, after centuries of continued ambulation down the path of idolatry (even the scriptures talk about the idols in the temple itself!) the Book is found and it is read in the presence of the king who tears his robes at the thought of this immense treasure being unknowingly located beneath his feet within distance of his own heartbeat.
What religion were the priests carrying out? Were they mixing the local deities with their own brand of understanding of faithfulness? Were they more concerned with carrying on the tradition than they were with bringing the people closer to God? Had they forgotten how to read the holy scriptures and left it buried just out of reach, the greatest treasure of all? Or, had they buried it intentionally because change can often bring about pain?
Is this not what Jesus fought against? Did he not unearth the scriptures, point to the layers and layers of sedimentary law, scrape away the stultifying stratification and petrification of the love of God and reorient the people to look up to the heavens and see the God of the universe shivering with anticipation for a life with him? The same priests and scribes and Pharisees and teachers of the law attempted to quiet the Word of Life, to bury that which had come to be the Treasure of Humankind and when they couldn't shut him up, the crucified him. They placed him inside the stone tomb; they pushed the rock in front of the opening and buried him.
This time, though, God would not be denied. It wouldn't be many decades or centuries but three days later when God himself scraped open the grave and announced to the world that the book of the law had been fulfilled and replaced with the book of the Gospel. The Good News spilled into all the cracks of the entirety of life and the treasure that was brought to humanity could not be replaced. If only we would dig a little deeper at Easter time, to scrape past the surface dirt of our daily lives to disinter the pearl of great price. If we could just look past our own selfishness and desires, believe that Christ died to take our sins and place them in the tomb he had just left, I think we'd find a new sense of freedom and a regard for the beauty of life that we have never seen.
Perhaps this is the Easter when we poke about and find once again that the tomb is empty and the power of Christ has been released into the world.
Happy digging.
After Deason and his wife sat by the fire for ten hours freeing the gold from the quartz, over two hundred pounds of gold were lifted from the nugget. Deason sold his prized treasure for over 9,000 pounds.
He found the gold about one inch under the surface.
Can you imagine stumbling over something like that? Something that would change your life so immensely? Something that you weren't even really looking for, but when it showed up you knew that life couldn't possibly remain the same?
King Josiah of Judah encountered that feeling. Josiah took the throne at the age of eight, the youngest of the monarchs. For the first seventeen years of his reign, it was probably business as usually even though Josiah's description, biblically speaking, was "He did what was right in the eyes of the Lord and followed completely the ways of his father David (David wasn't really his father, but as patriarchs go, he was similar in faithfulness), not turning aside to the right or to the left." (2 Kings 22:2)
Then, one morning during the eighteenth year, when Josiah was the ripe old age of twenty-six, he asked Hilkiah, the high priest, to make some reparations in the temple. Hilkiah, after arranging the schedule for the workers, happened upon a book which seemed to give him little pause; Hilkiah gave it to Shaphan the temple secretary to read it (strangely enough the high priest not only could not read the holy book, but it seemed that he had never seen it before).
Just under the surface of the temple was the greatest treasure to the ancient Israelites - the Book of the Law. How to live, how to dream, how to treat each other and how to live in God's presence. It was the story of God's interaction with them over the years, and after decades and decades of neglect, after centuries of continued ambulation down the path of idolatry (even the scriptures talk about the idols in the temple itself!) the Book is found and it is read in the presence of the king who tears his robes at the thought of this immense treasure being unknowingly located beneath his feet within distance of his own heartbeat.
What religion were the priests carrying out? Were they mixing the local deities with their own brand of understanding of faithfulness? Were they more concerned with carrying on the tradition than they were with bringing the people closer to God? Had they forgotten how to read the holy scriptures and left it buried just out of reach, the greatest treasure of all? Or, had they buried it intentionally because change can often bring about pain?
Is this not what Jesus fought against? Did he not unearth the scriptures, point to the layers and layers of sedimentary law, scrape away the stultifying stratification and petrification of the love of God and reorient the people to look up to the heavens and see the God of the universe shivering with anticipation for a life with him? The same priests and scribes and Pharisees and teachers of the law attempted to quiet the Word of Life, to bury that which had come to be the Treasure of Humankind and when they couldn't shut him up, the crucified him. They placed him inside the stone tomb; they pushed the rock in front of the opening and buried him.
This time, though, God would not be denied. It wouldn't be many decades or centuries but three days later when God himself scraped open the grave and announced to the world that the book of the law had been fulfilled and replaced with the book of the Gospel. The Good News spilled into all the cracks of the entirety of life and the treasure that was brought to humanity could not be replaced. If only we would dig a little deeper at Easter time, to scrape past the surface dirt of our daily lives to disinter the pearl of great price. If we could just look past our own selfishness and desires, believe that Christ died to take our sins and place them in the tomb he had just left, I think we'd find a new sense of freedom and a regard for the beauty of life that we have never seen.
Perhaps this is the Easter when we poke about and find once again that the tomb is empty and the power of Christ has been released into the world.
Happy digging.
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
O God, Friday
There are lots of things that occurred when I was younger that I took for granted, but I never questioned them. I just assumed that my parents knew best and I went with the flow.
For instance:
During the wintertime, my parents' house stood bleakly on top of a hill surrounded by trees that had shed their leaves like extraneous hair for a summertime dog. At four o'clock in the afternoon, the sun would be almost below the horizon and, as we came home from school on the big yellow bus, the driver would open the door and the arctic blast would hit us. I'm sure there were many times when the shock of the cold took our breath away, but whether we knew it or not, the cold also took hostage of our immune systems at times. It wasn't really the cold, I guess, but the exhaustion our bodies faced trying to keep warm that caused germs to multiply inside of our guts.
I can remember a time when, after the yellow bus had dropped us off at home and I'd opened the porch door, stamped my feet to shed the accumulated mud and slush, then upon opening the kitchen door, I thought to myself, You know what, my stomach doesn't actually feel that good. As kids, we know that feeling; that sickening churning, almost a sugary feel in the stomach of the virus doing high dives from our uvulas into our stomach acid.
I didn't eat much for supper and Mom put me to bed early and then, knowing that my stomach was 'upset', I'd call it down right grouchy, Mom would head to the bathroom. I knew what she was getting:
The Towel.
The Towel was mottled green and it used to be made out of soft terry cloth, but after years of washing, drying and neglect, it felt more like a burlap sack. The Towel was then brought into my room and as it entered the room, I knew that I must be sick because for some reason, when I didn't feel good at night, Mom would put The Towel on top of my pillow.
As I look back now, I have no idea why she would do this. If I was really going to be sick, is The Towel really going to protect my seventeen year old pillow? It's not as if I'm going to barf and when the vomit reaches the edge of The Towel it is going to make a U-turn and stop. It's not as if my stomach says to itself, "I've got to shut down the pukelear reactor now because we reached the Boundary of The Towel." There are times when she put The Towel on my pillow and I really questioned the necessity because in all of my years, I never stayed put in my bed if I was throwing up. It's a natural instinct to try and run to a receptacle made for vomit. Usually I'd end up leaving a trail of the evening meal on the yellow carpet and my mother (not my father - because he would add to the collection plate) would be scrubbing up for a couple hours afterwards until I did it again.
Oh, to be a parent.
So, as I'm older, I question the legitimacy and the usefulness of The Towel. Wouldn't you know, though, it's universal, a worldwide thing. When I married Christine and we had children, sure enough when one of them felt sick at night for the first time it wasn't I who reached for The Towel, but the Australian. Surely the Baby Boomers must have learned about The Towel from someone before them, the Great Generation, and so on and so on. Lots of things are passed on without us consciously thinking about them until we are able.
Recently, I've been thinking about this with regards to faith, especially on Good Friday. I've never really asked the question of why it was 'good.' Certainly, it seems like every negative thing that could happen to a person occurs to Jesus on this night. From his perspective, there is nothing good about it, not even close to decent, not even bordering on passable. This should be Bad Friday from Jesus' perspective; he's nailed to a cross; his friends ditch him; his cross is on top of the Place of the Skull; and the last people he talks to are common criminals who just happen to be suffering the same fate as an accused seditionist. Talk about bad luck.
Have you ever wondered why the three crucified people are even having a conversation on the cross? Have you ever really questioned how three people suffocating to death can even begin to have a conversation, even if it is about salvation?
It was not something one did when one was growing up. One did not question the tradition and/or the pastor of the service on Good Friday. One did not ask why it was called 'Good Friday' or, for that fact, what in the world does the word 'Maundy' mean? Why can't we just call it 'Last Supper and Foot Cleaning Night?' Then there's the blooming Saturday when nothing happens except some basketball games on TV. Sunday comes, it's dark out, we go to church and celebrate the resurrection again.
It happens every year and yet this year, I'm stuck on this Good Friday thing. In my opinion, it should be O God, Friday. Same letters, just a different meaning.
I have questions for God that will be answered someday, but the first and foremost from this day is, "Where were you, God, when your Son was dying on the cross? Didn't you care? How could you stand by and watch while we, insignificant pieces of breathing dust, spit on him, pierce his wrists and ankles, shove a crown of thorns and then hang him up in shame? How could you? Where were you God? Can I trust you in my deepest desperation in life?"
Where were you when the terrorists blew up bombs in Belgium? In France? In Africa? In Asia? In North America?
Where were you, God, when the earthquakes/tornadoes/tsunamis ended life and livelihood?
Where are you, God, when the children who have suffered unconscionable abuse attempt to live life?
And then God speaks out of the storm to me as he did to Job with the same human questions of thousands of years ago:
Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you and you will answer me. Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone - while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?
God goes on for two more chapters questioning Job's credentials about understanding suffering, but in the end we, as Job was, are left in silence and shame. Job says, I am unworthy - how can I reply to you? I put my hand over my mouth. I spoke once, but I have no answer, twice but I will say no more.
We have no answer because we don't understand how all the pieces fit together. We see a complete debacle on Good Friday and proclaim judgment on God that somehow, if He were all powerful, he would have already set an end to suffering rather than allowing the greatest display of injustice to occur. Somehow we believe that because God did not act on Good Friday, that he is either unwilling or unable to stop pain and suffering.
And yet those words bellow, echoing in the place of my skull and my own selfishness and arrogant thoughts are crucified by God.
I'll tell you where I was. I was grieving as only a father knows how, but for life to be brought back to all people, for peace and goodwill to truly come about, I allowed this to happen. I felt it. I heard it. I sensed it just like you do. And because of that, you can know
That I truly love you. It is God Friday. It is all about God's strength, not my own.
God Friday. It is 'good' because he suffers with us, so that in the end, there will be no suffering, sorrow, pain or death.
Thank you, God, for Good Friday.
For instance:
During the wintertime, my parents' house stood bleakly on top of a hill surrounded by trees that had shed their leaves like extraneous hair for a summertime dog. At four o'clock in the afternoon, the sun would be almost below the horizon and, as we came home from school on the big yellow bus, the driver would open the door and the arctic blast would hit us. I'm sure there were many times when the shock of the cold took our breath away, but whether we knew it or not, the cold also took hostage of our immune systems at times. It wasn't really the cold, I guess, but the exhaustion our bodies faced trying to keep warm that caused germs to multiply inside of our guts.
I can remember a time when, after the yellow bus had dropped us off at home and I'd opened the porch door, stamped my feet to shed the accumulated mud and slush, then upon opening the kitchen door, I thought to myself, You know what, my stomach doesn't actually feel that good. As kids, we know that feeling; that sickening churning, almost a sugary feel in the stomach of the virus doing high dives from our uvulas into our stomach acid.
I didn't eat much for supper and Mom put me to bed early and then, knowing that my stomach was 'upset', I'd call it down right grouchy, Mom would head to the bathroom. I knew what she was getting:
The Towel.
The Towel was mottled green and it used to be made out of soft terry cloth, but after years of washing, drying and neglect, it felt more like a burlap sack. The Towel was then brought into my room and as it entered the room, I knew that I must be sick because for some reason, when I didn't feel good at night, Mom would put The Towel on top of my pillow.
As I look back now, I have no idea why she would do this. If I was really going to be sick, is The Towel really going to protect my seventeen year old pillow? It's not as if I'm going to barf and when the vomit reaches the edge of The Towel it is going to make a U-turn and stop. It's not as if my stomach says to itself, "I've got to shut down the pukelear reactor now because we reached the Boundary of The Towel." There are times when she put The Towel on my pillow and I really questioned the necessity because in all of my years, I never stayed put in my bed if I was throwing up. It's a natural instinct to try and run to a receptacle made for vomit. Usually I'd end up leaving a trail of the evening meal on the yellow carpet and my mother (not my father - because he would add to the collection plate) would be scrubbing up for a couple hours afterwards until I did it again.
Oh, to be a parent.
So, as I'm older, I question the legitimacy and the usefulness of The Towel. Wouldn't you know, though, it's universal, a worldwide thing. When I married Christine and we had children, sure enough when one of them felt sick at night for the first time it wasn't I who reached for The Towel, but the Australian. Surely the Baby Boomers must have learned about The Towel from someone before them, the Great Generation, and so on and so on. Lots of things are passed on without us consciously thinking about them until we are able.
Recently, I've been thinking about this with regards to faith, especially on Good Friday. I've never really asked the question of why it was 'good.' Certainly, it seems like every negative thing that could happen to a person occurs to Jesus on this night. From his perspective, there is nothing good about it, not even close to decent, not even bordering on passable. This should be Bad Friday from Jesus' perspective; he's nailed to a cross; his friends ditch him; his cross is on top of the Place of the Skull; and the last people he talks to are common criminals who just happen to be suffering the same fate as an accused seditionist. Talk about bad luck.
Have you ever wondered why the three crucified people are even having a conversation on the cross? Have you ever really questioned how three people suffocating to death can even begin to have a conversation, even if it is about salvation?
It was not something one did when one was growing up. One did not question the tradition and/or the pastor of the service on Good Friday. One did not ask why it was called 'Good Friday' or, for that fact, what in the world does the word 'Maundy' mean? Why can't we just call it 'Last Supper and Foot Cleaning Night?' Then there's the blooming Saturday when nothing happens except some basketball games on TV. Sunday comes, it's dark out, we go to church and celebrate the resurrection again.
It happens every year and yet this year, I'm stuck on this Good Friday thing. In my opinion, it should be O God, Friday. Same letters, just a different meaning.
I have questions for God that will be answered someday, but the first and foremost from this day is, "Where were you, God, when your Son was dying on the cross? Didn't you care? How could you stand by and watch while we, insignificant pieces of breathing dust, spit on him, pierce his wrists and ankles, shove a crown of thorns and then hang him up in shame? How could you? Where were you God? Can I trust you in my deepest desperation in life?"
Where were you when the terrorists blew up bombs in Belgium? In France? In Africa? In Asia? In North America?
Where were you, God, when the earthquakes/tornadoes/tsunamis ended life and livelihood?
Where are you, God, when the children who have suffered unconscionable abuse attempt to live life?
And then God speaks out of the storm to me as he did to Job with the same human questions of thousands of years ago:
Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you and you will answer me. Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone - while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?
God goes on for two more chapters questioning Job's credentials about understanding suffering, but in the end we, as Job was, are left in silence and shame. Job says, I am unworthy - how can I reply to you? I put my hand over my mouth. I spoke once, but I have no answer, twice but I will say no more.
We have no answer because we don't understand how all the pieces fit together. We see a complete debacle on Good Friday and proclaim judgment on God that somehow, if He were all powerful, he would have already set an end to suffering rather than allowing the greatest display of injustice to occur. Somehow we believe that because God did not act on Good Friday, that he is either unwilling or unable to stop pain and suffering.
And yet those words bellow, echoing in the place of my skull and my own selfishness and arrogant thoughts are crucified by God.
I'll tell you where I was. I was grieving as only a father knows how, but for life to be brought back to all people, for peace and goodwill to truly come about, I allowed this to happen. I felt it. I heard it. I sensed it just like you do. And because of that, you can know
That I truly love you. It is God Friday. It is all about God's strength, not my own.
God Friday. It is 'good' because he suffers with us, so that in the end, there will be no suffering, sorrow, pain or death.
Thank you, God, for Good Friday.
Saturday, March 19, 2016
Donkey Sunday
It's always been one of my favorite Sundays of the church calendar year. It's the one where, at the beginning of the service, the ushers in the back hand out instruments of torture to little children then parade them to the front of the church - parade them being the operative word, they are dressed to the eights (I don't know what the 'nines' are so I thought I'd be cheeky) and let them flounce up the center aisle gaily smiling and waving to their parents. Once at the front of the sanctuary, they are given the 'opportunity' to sit still for seven minutes while an elder of the congregation tries to convince them that instrument of torture in their hand was actually an instrument of praise.
Palm Sunday. My ass.
I think we should call it Donkey Sunday, or at the very least Sabbath of the Colt. It seems like the animal that carries Jesus should have much more glory than mere branches cut from trees waved with impunity. I get it, really: the branches are symbolic of royalty: the fanned waving, cooling the king as he passes by. Three of the four gospels don't even mention the words 'palm branches' and yet all the glory on Palm Sunday.
So, bring on the donkeys. Symbols of peace.
It's fitting, if you ask me. Even our traditional Christmas stories have Jesus' mother riding into Bethlehem on the back of (guess what?) a donkey! What great bookends for the story. In the Christmas story, there's no fanfare, glitz and glamour on the journey into Bethlehem - there aren't any people lining the streets shouting, "Welcome, O favored pregnant one! Welcome you who are pregnant out of wedlock." There are no waving palm branches, no welcome signs either. Probably because the manger scene hadn't been set up yet.
But donkeys? They are the link to the stories. They play amazing roles throughout the Bible, not just Hollywood stories about ogres. It's not just Balaam and his donkey either, you know the one who is stubborn enough to not push through the danger of the Angel of the Lord and the one who asks Balaam, "Why do you keep beating me?" but Deborah actually has a song (in Judges 5) about those who ride on their white asses.
There's even a website called bibledonkeys.com. At the risk of sounding irreverent, and I quote, 'In the King James Bible there are 444 ass references.'
All right, all right, my dripping tap of sarcasm is turned off. The Palm Sunday story is not about donkeys or palm branches, spears or otherwise. It has nothing to do with the kind of road (aisle) that Jesus' donkey was paraded up not led by spears of iron but spears of leaves. It has very little do with cloaks or even the disciples and their shouts of "Hosanna! Save Us!"
But it has everything to do with the recently anointed king; anointed not by the prophets of power, but by the hands of a disciple named Mary called to prepare the king for his crown, not of gold but of thorns. It has everything to do with the king who rides anticlimactically into Jerusalem not on the back of a foaming war horse but on the haunches of a lowly, cud-munching donkey which was probably content to nibble the leaves of the palms thrown on the road.
The people wanted him to be insubordinate to the Romans; he came to save them from their insubordination to God. They wanted him to be a mighty figure standing with steel sword and iron fist to smash the foreign army. He was the Prince of Peace.
A peace that passes all understanding.
Which is why the donkey was untied from its mooring post, called into service as the carrier of God's son, even just for a little while. Minding its own business, the donkey probably (if I can anthropomorph the donkey and its emotions for a second) had little inclination to carry any burden that day much less wander down the screaming intersection of manic Israelites intent on having life changed for them.
Jesus rode down the aisle into Jerusalem and in the book of Luke, we find the emotion of the overwhelming moment - the Pharisees are telling the disciples to shut up and Jesus, overcome with remorse for the city whispers into the Middle Eastern air, "If you, even you, had only known on this day what would bring you peace..."
What will bring you peace on this Palm Sunday? This Donkey Sunday? What will it take for you to divorce yourself from the tyranny of the present twenty-first century addiction to stress and look to the hill for the solitary figure that rides on the back of the meekest of animals and hear the whisper on the wind...
that brings peace.
Palm Sunday. My ass.
I think we should call it Donkey Sunday, or at the very least Sabbath of the Colt. It seems like the animal that carries Jesus should have much more glory than mere branches cut from trees waved with impunity. I get it, really: the branches are symbolic of royalty: the fanned waving, cooling the king as he passes by. Three of the four gospels don't even mention the words 'palm branches' and yet all the glory on Palm Sunday.
So, bring on the donkeys. Symbols of peace.
It's fitting, if you ask me. Even our traditional Christmas stories have Jesus' mother riding into Bethlehem on the back of (guess what?) a donkey! What great bookends for the story. In the Christmas story, there's no fanfare, glitz and glamour on the journey into Bethlehem - there aren't any people lining the streets shouting, "Welcome, O favored pregnant one! Welcome you who are pregnant out of wedlock." There are no waving palm branches, no welcome signs either. Probably because the manger scene hadn't been set up yet.
But donkeys? They are the link to the stories. They play amazing roles throughout the Bible, not just Hollywood stories about ogres. It's not just Balaam and his donkey either, you know the one who is stubborn enough to not push through the danger of the Angel of the Lord and the one who asks Balaam, "Why do you keep beating me?" but Deborah actually has a song (in Judges 5) about those who ride on their white asses.
There's even a website called bibledonkeys.com. At the risk of sounding irreverent, and I quote, 'In the King James Bible there are 444 ass references.'
All right, all right, my dripping tap of sarcasm is turned off. The Palm Sunday story is not about donkeys or palm branches, spears or otherwise. It has nothing to do with the kind of road (aisle) that Jesus' donkey was paraded up not led by spears of iron but spears of leaves. It has very little do with cloaks or even the disciples and their shouts of "Hosanna! Save Us!"
But it has everything to do with the recently anointed king; anointed not by the prophets of power, but by the hands of a disciple named Mary called to prepare the king for his crown, not of gold but of thorns. It has everything to do with the king who rides anticlimactically into Jerusalem not on the back of a foaming war horse but on the haunches of a lowly, cud-munching donkey which was probably content to nibble the leaves of the palms thrown on the road.
The people wanted him to be insubordinate to the Romans; he came to save them from their insubordination to God. They wanted him to be a mighty figure standing with steel sword and iron fist to smash the foreign army. He was the Prince of Peace.
A peace that passes all understanding.
Which is why the donkey was untied from its mooring post, called into service as the carrier of God's son, even just for a little while. Minding its own business, the donkey probably (if I can anthropomorph the donkey and its emotions for a second) had little inclination to carry any burden that day much less wander down the screaming intersection of manic Israelites intent on having life changed for them.
Jesus rode down the aisle into Jerusalem and in the book of Luke, we find the emotion of the overwhelming moment - the Pharisees are telling the disciples to shut up and Jesus, overcome with remorse for the city whispers into the Middle Eastern air, "If you, even you, had only known on this day what would bring you peace..."
What will bring you peace on this Palm Sunday? This Donkey Sunday? What will it take for you to divorce yourself from the tyranny of the present twenty-first century addiction to stress and look to the hill for the solitary figure that rides on the back of the meekest of animals and hear the whisper on the wind...
that brings peace.
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