It's not as if I'm going to reveal I'm a drug addict or I have a secret fondness for Pampered Chef products (Oh those names the Pampered Chef come up with. If you have a chance, take a look at the way they label their gadgets - a simple paring knife might be something like "Specialized Combination Fruit and Vegetable Slicer." You've never seen anything like this before!) Okay, we have lots of Pampered Chef stuff in the house but at least I'm not a drug addict; I do have to admit, though, that I have an affinity for one thing in particular.
Every time my Facebook opens, someone has shared or posted an article that starts with these words: Four ways to... Seven secrets of... Forty ways to be... Seventeen best representations... Nine things to look for in...
I don't know what it is about people who can delineate a set number of ways to do something. Just the other day I saw someone post Forty Ways to Achieve True Happiness. I'm pretty sure I could have stopped at thirteen, but because there were forty(!), I just had to keep reading. Seven secrets for pastors to not get burnt out? Had to read that one. Nine signs that your spouse is thinking about someone else?
I left that one alone.
In every relationship, I would guess that there are times when you start to doubt whether you are bringing the goods or not and even though we stress in marriage counseling that matrimony should not be conditional, sometimes it's good to act like it is, even if it isn't.
That's why I'm writing this missive: The Five Best Ways to Actively Impress Your Spouse.
I have no doubt that this blog will go viral and be shared with all forty-three of my Facebook friends. I am in the process of culling them. I am using the same method as one my colleagues (also named Reid): 1. If they post anything that has to do with their dogs or how important dogs are in the grand scheme of life - erase. 2. If they ever take a picture of their food - ever - Gone. 3. If they ever post anything that starts with these words: Just checking to see if anyone cares... 4. If they are one issue posters. That's one of my things: if the only thing you put on your social media site has to do with the same issue over and over and over again like how much you dislike Donald Trump, how great lanolin is or asking me to try out a stupid quiz: I'll stay friends with you, but as Yoda says Unfollow you, I will.
Back to impressing your spouse.
Is there no greater activity under the sun than to try to get your spouse to remember why, exactly, she married you in the first place? As the days turn to weeks and weeks to months, everything seems to turn to routine. We made vows that we would be together in sickness, health, financial insecurity and wealth, but what seems to gets most couples is a direct result of boredom. We didn't sign up to be roommates, but carefree terrestrial vagabonds going where the Spirit wills and the will spirits us away. Often, you can see boredom seep into the cracks of marriage and like water freezing in the crevices of the cement, the ice expands causing an arctic drift. Couples don't just forget how to date, or even that they should, they just plain forget how to have fun.
Thus, the five ways to impress.
1. Don't forget her birthday.
Okay, that sounds stupid, but remembering her birthday doesn't just mean being cognizant that on a certain day of the year certain people will stop posting pictures of their dogs and food and one issue wonders and put a heartfelt, Happy Birthday on her timeline. It's not one of my favorite things, those timeline birthdays. I think there is nothing heartfelt about a happy birthday on the timeline. If you can't add a sentence saying something nice, or remembering something awesome about them, don't even post it. They're just going to scroll through it. For Christine's birthdays, I try to impress her with all sorts of things and rarely are they physical gifts. No Pampered Chef for her. This year, I decided to surprise Christine with a two day retreat to a 'mountain chalet' which turned out to be a cabin on the side of a hill. No matter, it was beautiful. But in trying to impress her, the girls and I made a treasure hunt for her to try and figure out where the mystery gift would take place. She passed with flying colors, so on Monday, we set out for Ravensbourne, the site of our 'mountain chalet.'
2. Save your child's life.
I wouldn't necessarily say that you should actively put your children at risk so that you can impress your spouse, but when the opportunity presents itself, step up.
Before we could get to our chalet, the five of us decided to go for a hike in Ravensbourne National Park. None of us had been in the park before, although I had driven by it a few times. We parked our station wagon in the parking lot in the midst of other tourist vehicles. I heard accents from England and Ireland, a few from Asia and then our own mottled Australican accents.
The girls journeyed ahead while Christine and I walked behind, hand in hand, side by side. I was holding the camera while taking various pictures of local flora and fauna. Some of the shrubbery was beautiful and I stopped to take a picture of the lantana, an imported species from England which, in fact, turned out to be quite invasive and has taken over vast amounts of the Australian countryside. The residents hate it, but the bush has these amazing pink and yellow flowers of which I stopped to take a photo. Now, I'm not a professional by any means, but I like to pretend I'm some kind of National Geographic-in-waiting-photographer so I maneuvered myself right next to one of the lantana blooms to snap the shot. Just as I was about to finish, Christine whispers in my ear, "Now I don't want you to freak out, but if you'll just take a small step back..."Okay. When my wife says that, it can mean one of many things: 1. Venomous reptile. Australia is rife with them. Eight of the ten deadliest snakes in the world are just underfoot. 2. Venomous arachnid. As if snakes aren't bad enough, the spiders are even worse. 3. Venomous birds. I'm just making that up, but I'm sure that if an avian decided to grow fangs and inject poison into some unexpecting bald tourist, Australia would be the first place to have them.
Anyway, it was number 2. It was a spider. Not just any spider, but when Christine pointed down not eight inches below the trigger finger of my camera, I saw what I'd like to call the Elvis spider. This thing had so much hair it looked like it could actually use a blow dryer in the morning. Jumping back, I made a very (un)impressive noise, something like a blend of a mewling cat and a stuck pig. Christine doesn't mind spiders and so as I backed as far away from the Thing waiting to sing "Blue Suede Shoes," Christine started taking pictures of It.
Just as I was about to pull Christine away from Elvis before he jumped onto her face and ingested her nose in one bite (he was that big - kind of like an overly hairy blond tennis ball), a leaf fell from a tree and brushed my leg. In the state I was in, I believed that somehow Elvis' children were rearing up to protect their father. I'm man enough to say I screamed a little, not like a startled school girl, but a real manly yell, like when you're angry with your favorite football team losing. Christine turned around and shook her head. Meanwhile, I had dropped the camera lens cap and when I reached down to the ground, I did notice something crawling just above my sock.
Leech.
You've got to be kidding me.
And there wasn't just one leech. After I plucked the creature from my ankle, I heard shouts ahead form the girls who were waiting for us. It was evident that they, too, had encountered some of the parasites. "Maybe we should turn around," I implored, "For your sake. We don't want to ruin your birthday by being exsanguinated by leeches."
"Don't be silly," she replied rolling her eyes, "this is the spice of life."
Ugh. We moved down to the girls who were attempting successful extrications of leeches from their own legs. We then made the decision to move a little faster and to not stop in the mud which seemed to be where the leeches and all things sucky come from. The girls raced on ahead of us shrieking with joy, and, I think, trepidation at the thought of the leeches making the trek any farther north. Yes, I have seen Stand By Me and don't think for a minute I wasn't thinking about that scene.
Christine and I walked at a brisker pace, but I was fascinated by some kind of orange berry that had split and out of it were white and black seeds. They kind of looked like some version of mushroom from Mario Brothers Nintendo game. I decide that I'd just take a moment, one little moment, to take a picture of them. As I paused, Christine watched her ankles for the invariable invasion of sucking legless organisms. As I was finishing up the second picture, I felt something on my legs. Sure that it was just leeches, I looked down and saw to my own horror that I was standing on top of an ants nest and these ants were not cute little picnic destroying ants, but full grown rhinoceros size things. They had pincers on the front (or the back, I wasn't sure) and as I watched in paralyzing slowness, their pincers grabbed on to my skin and...WHAM!!!
Holy crap do those things bite. I swatted at them and as they held on, I tried to destroy them but bite, bite, bite. It felt like I was being shot in the ankles by the little... (I have to keep this blog rated G, but my mind was in full blown rated R language)... Christine attempted to help me, but as I pulled one off of my ankle, I inadvertently almost threw it in her face. Happy birthday, Sweetheart. I hope I'm impressing you. After roughly twenty seconds of all out war with the ants, I finally turned them back, but not without the casualty of my protruding anklebones. It felt as if someone had poured boiling tar on them. Hoping I wasn't allergic to the things, I tried to move on and then I noticed another one slip in my other shoe.
BAM!
I was jumping around on one burning foot while the other one was starting on fire. I couldn't reach the little... bugger... because it was in my shoe so I took it off and what do I find? The ant AND a little leech having their own little indecent soirée inside my sock. Christine was trying her best not to look amused but the only thing that came to mind as we started to walk down the pseudo yellow brick road was Spider and leeches and ants, Oh My! What else was going to make this day even worse?
Tune into tomorrow for an impressive display of bravery and the next episode of An Attempt to Impress. I'll let you know how I accomplished number 2. Save your child's life.
After, of course, my ankles stopped burning.
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