Relationships? Anyone?

I think all humans are egoists at some level. Human nature would dictate that we think much more about our own needs rather than the needs of others. We are so caught up in our own brains, trapped in our own skulls, linked to our own desires that putting ourselves in other people's shoes is a stretch in the least, and impossible at most times. There is an old Native American adage that says, "Do not judge until you walk another mile in his moccasins."

I think the new concept is, "if you walk another mile in his moccasins you will not only have his moccasins but a one mile head start."

It's difficult to be in relationship with other people. They aren't like me; they don't think like I do; they care nothing about what is most important - always putting my needs first. Much of our Biblical tradition encompasses this critical action of human nature - being in relationship. Humans are social animals; we were made to live with or near each other. But that poses the fundamental question, "How do I live with my neighbor? - especially when they are so... (fill in the blank).

Relationships, for me, sometimes will fail because of the other person, but usually because of some failing in myself. In college, I was in the jazz choir called the "Castle Singers." (perhaps a better name could be chosen, in my modest opinion, for a jazz choir, but who am I. Interesting side note, the name 'Castle Singers' was farcically changed to 'Cattle Swingers' then, on that same theme to 'Bovine Tossers.' It was an interesting, fun time in my life). The Castle Singers was a forty-plus member singing group backed by a five piece jazz ensemble. Throughout the year we would practice for specific events on campus and then once in the late winter/early spring we would travel somewhere in the States or abroad. Castle Singers was a mixed group, equal numbers of male and female and when equal numbers of males and females are thrown into close proximity, well, nature takes over.

I had my eye on Nicky for a while. She was smallish, with brown page-boy cut hair, brown eyes and small hands. She was a soprano in the Castle Singers - I a tenor. Every once in a while I would catch her looking at me out of the side of her eye, coquettish, you know the look, the one that says, "I'm watching you but trying to look like I'm not watching you but hoping that you are looking at me not watch you." I had talked to her a few times before I summoned up the courage to ask her out. The meal was fine but there was a subtle undertone of she wanting to become much more serious at that point in time. I, on the other hand, seriously avoided all serious dating relationships. The more we talked, the more I found out that we really didn't have that much in common, she was incredibly intelligent, I was, well, very social. After dinner, I walked her back home to her dorm room. In the dark, she reached out to hold my hand. Normally, this would be a big step in a relationship. I didn't want to hurt her feelings so I led her on, I guess. We walked hand in hand, every once in a while she would pull my arm closer and put her head on my shoulder, all the while I was recoiling because she was getting a little too close. I needed space - freedom; a ball and chain I needed as much as a second nose. We reached her dorm in the cool early autumn evening. The moment had arrived - the kiss. It's a big decision that has to be made. Is it a kiss on the lips promising future commitment? Is it a kiss on the cheek perhaps meaning a testing of the waters - wanting to appear wholesome? Is it just a hug basically meaning "You know what, I like you because you have such a nice personality."

The decision was made for me. I was only going to kiss her on the cheek but Nicky grabbed my head and kissed me right on the lips. I guess I knew where she stood, if only I could have told her what I was really feeling, what I was really thinking. If only in relationships we could just talk to each other openly and honestly with respect.

Instead, I ended up kissing Nicky, and telling her I would see her the next day, and telling her what a wonderful time I had. Nicky bounced into her dorm. As I was leaving, I heard some of her dorm mates shout out the window, "Nice kiss. Woo Hoo." They'd been watching us. Wonderful. Now their were witnesses to my lie.

Nicky and I didn't make it, obviously, since I've been married to Christine for eleven years now. Christine may be appalled that she wasn't my first kiss. I told her that she was, after our first kiss, but I don't think she really believed me. Anyway, the story with Nicky takes an embarrassing turn. Instead of telling Nicky the truth, that I thought perhaps friendship instead of a serious dating relationship would be best, I told my identical twin brother about a great young woman that I had met. I introduced him to Nicky. About five months later they were engaged. I guess Nicky was truly ready to get serious fast. In case you wanted to know, his relationship with Nicky ended in disaster also. Now I have that guilt monkey on my back.

Relationships. In order to be in relationship with someone else, we have to communicate openly and honestly, we have to establish ground rules. I have to learn to give in; I have to learn to "let love be genuine, hate what is evil and hold fast to what is good." I need to love others with mutual affection. Let others love me too, rather than just loving myself.

But not only do I seek relationship with other people, I desire relationship with God. So often, I treat God like one of my failed earthly relationships: I lie to Him. I am not open and honest. I don't seek to spend time with Him. I am constantly in the crush of succumbing to my own desires. Why doesn't God give me everything that I want?

If I truly was in relationship with God, I would seek to understand what God desires first and understand that God desires me to love Him with my whole heart, soul, mind and strength, not so that I can use Him to my own ends, but that he would use me to love others. It is much easier for me to love others when I love God. When I come to the realization that I trust God and God trusts me, I have no fear of jealousy, that God will fall for someone else more than (or instead of) me. God loves us so that we can love others without fear or reservations.

So, God established the ground rules for loving others. In the 10 basic commandments, God puts a fence around relationships to allow us freedom to communicate and love. Traditional understing is that the first three commandments organize our relationship with God. The last seven how we live in community with each other. I could go on and on about Lutheran understanding of the 10 commandments, but let's, at this point, leave that for a Confirmation lesson and live in the moment. Don't steal anything from God or each other. Relationships are about giving, not about stealing.

So, this week, wherever you read this, think about the relationships you have established over the years. How can you help fortify or even rebuild relationships knowing that God has loved you first?