Again! Again!

C. S. Lewis writes, "Many religious people lament that the first fervors of their conversion have died away. They think - sometimes rightly, but not, I believe, always - that their sins account for this. They may even try by pitiful efforts of will to revive what now see to have been the golden days. But were those - the operative word is those - ever intended to last?

It would be rash to say that there is any prayer which God never grants. But the strongest candidate is the prayer we might express in the single word 'encore.' And how, exactly, should the infinite repeat Himself? All space and time are too little for Him to utter Himself in them even ONCE.

And the joke, or tragedy, of it all is that these golden moments in the past, which are so tormenting if we erect them into a norm, are entirely nourishing, wholesome, and enchanting if we are content to accept them for what they are, for memories."

Lewis' words almost always convict me - they find me in my little hiding space, content with where I am, and push me out into the open. His gift for choosing the most appropriate at the most opportune time astounds me and I am left with a feeling that I need to do some serious thinking about my life. Do you ever feel like that? After reading, or hearing a piece of music, perusing a painting - do you ever feel like your perception of life has been tweaked, even just a bit?

For example, how many times have I said to God, "I realize that you were very close to the people of the Old Testament. Visually, you were in their sights; vocally, you were in their ears. Why can't you do that for me? Why don't you show yourself, sound off - especially with regards to all the evil that occurs in the world. Just SHOW YOURSELF and take out all the unknowns for the world!"

Jeremiah says it best (chapter 12) You will be in the right, O Lord, when I lay charges against you; but let me put my case to you. Why does the way of the guilty prosper? Why do all who are treacherous thrive? You plant them, and they take root; they grow and bring forth fruit; you are near in their mouths yet far from their hearts. But you, O Lord, know me; you see me and test me - my heart is with you.

So often, I speak to God is I should always be first and foremost on his list of people to listen to. Like Jeremiah, I am quick to point out anyone else that I feel is affronting God. It is as if I see myself as God's most trusted advisor, whispering in His ear what He should be doing next. If you've ever seen the Lord of the Rings, I am like Wormtongue speaking into the king's ear. Ugh.

So, all my yammering is about me. I want to see God. I want God to show Himself so that I can be convinced. I want God to speak to me - very vocally - so I am sure what He wants me to do this year. I want God to come in the form of (almost Wondertwinnish) any sort of conquering hero to break down corruption (which seems to be prevalent in the state of Illinois), murder (which is showing itself all over the world) and sin in general - which I want to be the definer of the term.

Therein is my sin and I haven't read my Bible anywhere near as closely as I should have. Even though God continued time and again to reveal Himself in many different ways, did the Israelites (or any others, for that fact) continue to take God seriously? Do our their senses, and our senses, realistically lead us to a greater faith in God? Maybe for a little while, but then it all starts to fade and we question once again, "Are you really there God? Did I just imagine your presence?"

Similar to the writing of C. S., when we first encounter the almighty in an almost physical way, whether seeing or hearing, we reach the mountaintop experience - a physical feeling, a manifestation of God who is very near us. But then the feeling fades, and we are left with a yearning for that gloried time, or place, and go back to it time and time again and ask again, "Encore, God. Encore. Do it again."

Christine and I went to some friends' home a few days ago. They have a daughter who isn't two yet and a son who is four. Evie, who previously looked at me as if I were a giant ogre, discovered that I was an excellent jungle gym. I would toss her in the air, over my shoulder, bounce her on my knee - whatever it took to make her happy - I love hearing the sounds of kids squealing with delight (reasonable decibel levels are always appreciated).

Evie, after having enjoyed my jungle gym-nosity, began to shout, while holding her arms in the air, "Again! Again! More magic tricks!"

It is the time of year, at the very beginning, where we have once again looked at the past year and assembled our little blocks of guilt. We resolve to dissemble the castle of guilt built so fastidiously the year before, and build up a new fortress of faith. Many people promise themselves that they will draw closer to God in 2009. Many yearn for a connection to the Almighty so that they can see the will of God in a very personal moment. Usually, though, those (myself included) people want God to come in a way that is easiest, or most palatable, which is usually conjuring up images of the way God came to them in the past. It is a resolution for God to act in the same way that brought us to the mountaintop and showed us the vastness of the good that is in God. But this year, is it possible that God will show up in completely unexpected ways? What would happen if we all let the memories be those 'nourishing, wholesome and enchanting' memories and let God break all boundaries? What if Jesus Christ, freshly re-energized in our hearts after Christmas, was given freedom to speak to us in word, sound or picture - perhaps especially in the voice of a loved one? Would this new year bring us closer to the faith that we all long for that is not connected by puppet strings to our past experiences?

Again! Again! I shout to God - but simply to love me again in a way that might be different - a new experience in these short trips around the sun. Again! Again! What are you going to show us this year, God?